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I Wish I Were Faster

I am not focused nor confidant enough to achieve a fast pace of drawing. Over the years I forced myself to postpone drawing and give priority to daily tasks up to the point of feeling guilty each time I grabbed a pencil. This extends to all other pleasures I have. Writing and making music bring to me the same sinful malediction.

My focused was to become financial independent at all costs. I set up for a steady job to pay the mortgage for an apartment and here I am, slave of my household, or I should say the bank, horrified with the prospect of losing my regular civil servant income.

Two decades of restraint pass by until I became nuts. After the focus on pleasure, I lost it on work and on life itself. Time passes and instead of living I became a witness, having no attachment to reality at all. The loss of pleasure evolved to a loss of reference. If you don’t nurture the things you’re fond of, the labyrinth of indecision kicks in. No cardinal points, no capacity of choice, and you fall into the abyss of generalized anxiety.

To create faster I must let myself create more, loose from the chains of guilt. In both this blog and the shop I try to give legitimacy to my drawing through the effort of making it both a business and a service. I now provide objects some people might long for in exchange for their money. Someday I’ll work fast end efficient enough to pay my mortgage.

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