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ONE CHANCE ONLY

We live only once and most of my life has been a total waste. This is not a middle-age crisis digression. I have not lived. I’ve been only witnessing existence. Though I’m aware of this for a long time, I haven’t find a way of changing my way of living yet.

I suppose my frustrations are the same as everyone else’s, namely the lacking of love, intimacy and sex, all three connected in a relationship with someone not too demanding. I think this is the key for the all thing. People demand too much from each other, wasting their own and others’ lives with resentment and remorse. Demand should be replaced by acceptance, as long as abuse remains rejected.

It horrifies me the frustration I witness in most relationships and marriages. Such horror started with the divorce of my parents when I was a kid. I became obsessed with love, connection, and all fantasies about soulmates and their sexual fusion. This made me a hungry and scary animal, incapable of anything casual or any abusive commitment, and highly intolerant to the presentation of sex as a favor or gift from women to men. The idea of deserving the opening of her legs is extremely violent to me. Things only work for me when both do our best to feel horny all the time. This requires the effort to excell in all of the spectrum of a relationship, and a profound knowledge, respect and acceptance of the limitations of our companion.

No wonder I feel my life totally wasted. I should have learned to embrace much less than this and invest on hedonism. The thing is I don’t know how and I’m not getting younger. More, I’m afraid of the hedonistic approach being an absolute hell to me. I can’t get rid of my hunger for connection.

I feel my life is wasted because of the absence of connection. I’ve been connected a few times, but unrealistic demands, intolerance and abuse eroded everything. I grieve every day for these losses and long for someone who finally gets it, or who makes me get something else worth fighting for.

Meanwhile, life keeps getting wasted.

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MEETING PEOPLE

Is it just me or meeting people is really hard nowadays? It might be just me. I have a lot of handicaps for such an enterprise. I don’t drink alcohol nor coffee. I don’t eat cheese, greasy food, cream nor too sweet desserts. I get brain freeze with ice cream. I am prone to headaches. I don’t smoke. I have no interest whatsoever for sports or any sort of competition. I find gyms too loud and crowded. I like to dance but I’m more frightening than Elaine from Seinfeld. I find myself shaking after five minutes in the sea or in the swimming pool and become a shrimp under the sun. In short, due to physical limitations, I don’t feel comfortable in activities most people love.

Besides myself, what else makes it hard meeting people? There were balls and fairs on weekends decades ago. Not anymore. Some people go to church on Sundays, or other places of cult on Fridays or Saturdays, but I will never go to religious places. My job experiences did not make possible enough social contact among co-workers and work parties were poisonous. As to social media, they are not social at all. Likes and comments among people who will never meet. A total waste of time, blogging included.

I’ve been looking for activities and groups where I might feel comfortable. I once tried amateur theater, but I soon got bored and memorizing lines is not my thing. I recently joined a writing group and I’m loving it, looking forward to meet them in person instead of Zoom. It’s the only artistic and creative community not focused on measuring dicks I ever met. I hope to find more in time, and meet kind people in the flesh.