Categories
Personal | Pessoal

BACK TO THE NIGHTMARE

Last week I was said my request for an unpaid leave was not valid due to an alleged error on my proceedings. This happens after four months of leave. Now I’m back to work until things are solved out.

All the heavy symptoms of depression and anxiety are back. I can hardly move or eat. Most of my gestures must be done slowly and it gets real hard to remember what I intended to do seconds before. The buzz on my ears is constant, the elephant foot presses my chest like in the days I head no diagnosis nor medicines, I am regressing four years.

People have no idea of the immobilizing force of both generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. This thing involves grief, panic, numbness, really fast streams of inchoative interior monologue, disorientation, guilt, anger, despair, chills, sweats and what not, all flooding your veins from an anthill eroding your stomach and chest. Only fear prevents you from suicide. Though you hate it, fear becomes your only true friend.

I fear the day of losing fear. Someday, head diving from my sixth floor balcony will become pretty easy. All it takes is a few steps, a little climbing and letting myself go. Someday I will lose my faith on whatever prevents me to let myself fall free.

Getting hurt and loosing my life still frighten me. For the time being, I persevere as a survivor. My ambitions as an artist and a lover are what keep me going. I fear the day my heart realizes those ambitions are fantasies. My survival depends on the naivete of my heart.

Categories
Personal | Pessoal

The Weight Of Nothingness

It is overwhelming. Your ribs are pressed apart and the chest inflates with void in continuous suffocation. The rational remains of your mind are grateful for not having a gun or you might have blown your head. There are no joys whatsoever and all you seek for is shelter in someone’s heart, capable of not feeding your hatred for the stupidity of people. Pain makes you terribly intolerant. Wherever you look at all you see is evil. You become a tyrant. All you have is sadness on the verge of anger. The real dumb thing of this pain is being due to nothing but chemical imbalance caused by a painful childhood. No one is to blame. Your family did their best. Everyone has limitations and yours is the inability to overcome trauma. You are chemically marked for life and must deal with it, both with medication and behavior, namely well structured routines. Things will get wrong over and over again. You will be beaten up and fall of exhaustion. All you got to do is rest and rise for the adapted routine. That kind of sums up your life. The damn pain will always be there to haunt and freeze you. A life carrying the weight of nothingness.