I’m really not good at this. Commerce is not my thing. The blog and the Etsy shop are only a desperate attempt to find an alternative to my soon to be abandoned job. I’ve been doing my best to leave in style, that is, without a gap between sources of income, but that is not going to happen. People like my stuff but only very few actually buy items. I find joy when people appreciate my designs and writings, but appreciation is not enough to make a living.
My job prospection feverishly continues with no results to date. Things were already bad before the pandemic. This is not unexpected. I held the fantasy of creating my own job, either through the Etsy shop, this blog or the freelance platforms. Nothing seems to work. I’ve been spending all my energies on becoming a commercial asset at the expend of creativity, but the sacrifice is useless. I now realize more clearly how ancient this effort is and to what extent it stole my life from me. It is at least as old as my professional career, which I intended to leave as soon as I would find myself able to survive as an author.
Things would have been much easier if my professional occupation was not such a violent and weary one. I had the naivete of believing that my love for learning and explaining as well as the importance I give to education would make me an inspiring teacher. I had my moments of success, among peers, students and parents, and some of the utmost dread. In time I reached to the point of burning out. I am totally uncapable of getting back to the classroom, no matter how I hold children in my heart. It is just too much for me. I gave my best until nothing is left.
All I want is a quiet job that doesn’t make me think too much and with enough wage too pay my bills. I’ve been applying for jobs such as warehouse operator, picking and delivery operator, supermarket operator, distribution driver, shop assistant and what not. Refusals succeed, but I still have hope.
I have this tendency to share my thoughts to the public as if they have some interest or value to others. I display my life craving for love. This vanity or personality cult is an awful thing, a weakness still out of my control. Advertising about my shop and blogging to attract potential buyers only make it worse. You have no idea of how much I long for the quiet simple job and the return to my cocoon of creativity, out of worries around commercial success and artistic recognition.
Our subconscious mind makes everything to assure our survival and to alert us when we’re on the edge. No matter our efforts to comply with obligations and commitments we take as correct, the subconscious warns us when we can’t take it anymore. This should not be mistaken with whims and behaviors of abuse or selfishness. Most times it’s hard to make the distinction, specially when the edge is close and we’re getting ourselves mad.
We all have to do sacrifices and the role of the subconscious is to fight us when that happens. Our conscious mind is often raised to either sacrifice or abuse, instead of being taught to achieve balance and unselfish joy. The needs of the individual are to be satisfied instead of judged. The conscious mind must learn how to listen to the subconscious and find the way for responsible satisfaction.
The edge is a very dangerous place and social demands have no regrets on pushing us there and even throwing us to the abyss. After getting us to mental disease, we are outcast and easily replaced.
Leaving the road to the edge and getting to cross-country becomes the only way out. We either live dying or challenge death to live.
Strangely enough, it is for the purpose of making money. To increase the number of visitors to my Etsy shop this blog must become entertaining. I am not tailed for businesses. The shop is a financial necessity, as it is with most of the jobs. This blog is part of a strategy to increase traffic to the shop and eventually get more sales. Unfortunately, self-promoting and brand promoting are not my thing. I’ve been trying real hard and I keep loathing it. I was educated to see bragging as a bad thing and proselytism gives me the creeps. Lobbying is disgusting and building communities and supposed friends just to quack about my products, my work and my personality is sick.
As for my drawings and music, I want to make good writing, both on style, or aesthetics, and content. In the commercial context of this blog, writing must be extremely fast in order to post on a daily bases. Here is the thing. I can only do that if I stop thinking about the adequacy of content. As long as my private life is safe, I should write whatever comes to my head, with the aim of providing quality and efficient entertainment. Readers would visit this blog to give some snacks for their souls.
I hope you like the menu.
That’s what getting sponsors is all about. We must be popular to get their support. We are providing the service of visibility. Although visibility takes hard work, it doesn’t give money by itself. Money comes from selling that visibility or any product derived from it. With some luck, the product itself increases visibility, the search for more products and the offers from more sponsors.
All over the Internet the gurus of blogging, vlogging, selling, writing eBooks and such give the same advices. Niching down, like the genres thing, providing services with “how to” articles, and chap-books are a must. It is all business. Forget artistic aspirations and soul fulfillment. You want sponsors? Be entertaining to the vastest possible audience. Follow trends and market rules. “Be smart instead of self-centered” is their motto.
No matter how hard I try, I am doomed to failure. Perhaps the role of agents and editors is to trim artists and sell what’s left. When an artist tries to be his own agent and editor, a routine of self-amputation is imposed upon him, compromising the flow of creativity. The censorship comes from the inside and that is severely violent. I don’t seem to be up to such endeavor.
It is easy to get angry and lose control. Try dealing with a noisy classroom full of children hurting and bullying each other. You will crack in a blink. Give it a few years of daily exposure to excruciating noise and continuous effort to maintain control and you will sink into clinical depression and trauma, finding yourself unable to exercise the profession again. Thousands of teachers are in that condition. You can apply the same reasoning to any professional working under abusive conditions or any human being under abusive families, companions or marriages. Some people explode.
Unfortunately, civilization has not grown enough to make it possible for people to change context. Taking unemployment and real estate prices into account, one is condemned to hold still in the abusive scenario until the following episode of explosion, ending up oneself to become an abusive agent committing crime.
A totally different kind of individual is the bully. Here it is not a matter of losing control. Bullies are deliberately violent and abusive. Their only principle is to provide themselves and their tribe with infinite power and wealth. Ends to justify means is the basis to propaganda, recruit and alliances. Ends to justify means gives them permission to domestic violence, rape, slaughter, beheadings and genocide.
Civilization is to bullies a mere tool for the perpetration of power, abuse and wealth. The concept of civilization as a social structure without abusive leaders is beyond their understanding.
Violence by extenuation and violence by abuse are sometimes hard to distinguish. In an ethically based civilizational structure, once the violent act is committed, subjects get the same label – criminal. Though such label is true, it is prawn to misjudgment. Reaction to abuse and exercising abuse are antagonistic realities.
One thing is sure. If you are not a bully, society offers thousands of sets for you to explode. My advice is never to pass judgment without wearing the defendant’s shoes.